I haven't posted much lately because things here have been hectic or I've just been in a bad mood. Everytime I start posting anything negative on my blog, I end up going back and erasing it or not posting it at all. I don't want my blog to be an energy sucking space in my world. I want it to be full of positive things so that I want to return and be reminded of all that is good in the world.
So some of my challenges lately have included caring for my 70 year old mother who had major surgery, caring for everything at home and the hardest thing of all, cutting back on what I do. It's difficult to admit I am not Superwoman anymore. I used to be able to juggle the needs of family and friends so much better.
Maybe this weariness is just part of middle age; more likely though, it is the idea of not accepting this feeling that I think is really the big part of middle age, taking on the challenge of saying "no". Everytime I say "no" or "I can't handle that right now" I feel AWFUL. I feel like I let my kids down and abandoned my friends in need.
At times I think: how often are these people here for me? How often have they offered to lighten my load or have shared their joy with me? Some relationships in my world are simply defined by me doing something for them; outside of that, we have no interaction or exchanges at all. My challenge is to not go to that resentment place right away. My challenge is to acknowledge my part in that relationship and then (the really difficult part) change my lifestyle to one that is more positive for me.
Other challenges in my life have been more rewarding. For everything that was depleting my energy, I had some good things balancing my world: good friends, dogs, and oddly enough--my quilt guild's annual challenge. This is the first year I am entering something. I made my first memory quilt. I tried new methods and had a ball exploring outside my comfort zone. It was like combining scrapbooking with quilting and was a blast!
Below is one of the photographs I put on the quilt, it is my grandmother, Nana Elsie when she was only 16.
I love this photograph of her. She looks so pretty and her face seems so open and full of life. No wonder Pop was nuts about her! :) This photograph of her would have been taken around 1921.
I rarely show my guild anything I make because I am self-concious about my skill (or lack thereof) as a quiltmaker. I may have been doing this for a long time but I am just never going to be an award winning quilter. Accepting that at 50+ and acknowledging that I just want to play with fabric has been very liberating. I am hoping to borrow some other things from family members so I can continue to make more memory quilts. In the meantime, I will post my photography of my little wall hanging challenge thing after our meeting on Tuesday.
That's all I got for today, gotta get working.............